Not All Monsters Are Scary

My reality of Mental Health A Soul Mate A sociopath once asked me, “Is it possible for two siblings, with borderline psychopathic tendencies, and propensity for violence, to love?” I remember my first week at my new store. I asked a co-worker, “if you were never taught love, would you know how to love?” She answered without hesitation, “of course.” “But how would you know it was love?” Like a train wreck her mind derailed, well what little cargo was onboard. The conversation was closed. Mental Health. No one gave me a manual; I was so blind to 'mental health'. I failed at first and I never fail. Do you know the diagnosis: suicidal iodization? Welcome to my first ever swimming lesson, as I was abruptly thrown in the deep end, and a voice screamed, “swim Bitch”. Sociopath, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and well, I became all of them to understand my brother and survive him. Did he create a monster in me? Not at all, I was already a monster, from the ones who created us. I had never used my abilities for a long time; I never had to. But look a psychopath in the eyes as they try get into your mind. Stare through them, as if they don't exist. They are trying to calculate your next move. If you are quick enough, you can enjoy the sensational thrill of frightening a psychopath. (I watched as his manipulating, cocky ego disappeared). Never listen to their words, as they use manipulation as a distraction. What they say is untrue, but never lie to them, they sense fear. I learned this firsthand; all my emotions have gone forever. I now calculate the moves, and I manipulate the outcome in accordance with my needs. My brother now refers to me as the psychological APEX. I like it. It’s a brilliant gift I taught myself to survive my far from perfect life. A gift that is also my biggest fear. When I finally found a real psychologist that I trusted to help me navigate and learn my brother's diagnosis 'mental health,’ he complimented me, I am but myself a miracle, well miracle that I am not dead. It sadly was not the first time I heard those words, and it never got less painful to hear them. If anything, that could only mean, I had burdened you with my story. My brother and I were just Ghosts, still walking amongst you, however you will never see us, lost in the system that has failed us. Our lives were far from normal. We forever tried to blend in, but damaged goods were all we were because the only people we could blend in with, were considered monsters. My brother was my ghost and I, his as we both had died together. We both no longer wanted to be visible, as we could not be hurt if we were never seen. The only ones to know who we really were, were us. I was not going to fail my brother. I believed my father killing himself was never to be forgiven for reasons we keep secret, but when our hearts spoke to each other, I know longer felt empathy towards my father’s death, because he had hurt my brother. We both suffered secrets we cannot share, just reasons we are who we are today. Ghosts. We no longer knew each other, none of us. My path of destruction after the death of all my loved that seemed to follow me everywhere I went. As soon as you rang me from the mental hospital that day, a tear has fell from my eye every day since. In not even a breath of air, without a story, your world no longer existed. I could not comprehend what you had become, but without reason, I spoke to you and listened every moment you needed me. During these years of reasoning with you consistently pointing out my flaws, my stubborn heart listened. All about myself that I had despised, I slowly let leave me. All that inflicted pain, that made me lose control, I sedated in myself, as to sedate you. As time moved forward, a still shot of you returned. I would never change myself for another, but for you, I changed all I was, for you I did not hesitate. As I learned more about you, at times you became easy to see. It has taken me mostly listening to understand my brethren's behavioral truths and weakness. As I got to finally meet you, suddenly, I was given life. My brother desperately wanted to prove I was a psychopath, just as he was. He didn't want to feel alone, but also felt I had some very concerning tendencies, my shower so spotless, no one follicle of DNA. He made me laugh, I actually yes had become quite meticulous in my cleaning compared to my younger messy self, but everything in its place leaves no room for error. He would perform every behavioral test on me, that had been performed on him, but where he had failed, I had not. Secretly, it was because I was a far smarter than the psychopath standing before me. I never put myself in a position to be seen. My lack of remorse for the system that had failed us I, had become my quiet journey. I kept my mind hidden, never would I allow a textbook theorist, whose fathers trust fund had paid for ones truly not deserving college, near my beautiful mind. I would tear apart, a trust fund child wearing shoes that will never fit. As my brother came to know my brilliant mind, he realizes his little sister has hidden everything about herself from all monsters we faced, but also most importantly, everyone in life. Not one person knows me. But now, I am showing you. Have you ever really played with your food? Behavior, both calculated and manipulative? My ability is for me, the sensation of the most amazing orgasm, pulsating through my mind and rippling through my veins, my hands clenching to keep that intense sexual deprivation flowing within me. I showed my brother that night, as I was on the couch writing, my boyfriend beside me, not realizing he had become my boring food on my plate, an unnecessary game I needed to play, but had to show my brother how complex my mind was. The words I delivered were unforgiving, my lack of remorse, as I looked into my brothers’ eyes, smirking at as I tore my then boyfriend to shreds, bending words, fake truths, suffocating him with lies twisted and tangled, only to release my pray just before he chocked. I scared you that night. “How did you do that, right in front of him, yet he has no idea what you just did? I got all of what I wanted, but did not need, I disrespected him, manipulated him just to prove to you, the monster I am deep down within. I am the scariest monster of all. I just never let that side come out to play anymore. It’s not who I wanted to be, it’s just an exceptional superpower, environmentally learned, to survive the monsters that raised us. I don’t use my superpowers for bad on anyone now. Monsters no longer exist in my world; I have caged mine. “In response to your question first question, my answer is yes.” You went in for a simple procedure and now I stand here alone, my soul mate, my twin now, being killed by once again. The system has failed us. Imagine waking one day and the one person who truly loved me for me, was no longer here to insult me. Moments don't even have the opportunity to become memories. I think back when I first met you again, you came and stayed with me. Before your sickness consumed you. You were one of those self-gloating money boys. Nothing was ever too much, but for me precious, you were a lot. In moments you fell, so quickly your once insults in jest became desperate cries for help. A sociopath suffocating in the secrets of your 'mental health, you can’t show emotion if not taught it. I never knew the journey I had just accepted, with you would change me so dramatically. I have lost siblings because I stand by you. No one speaks to me anymore, they can't believe you have put me through all you have in the last four years, and I still stand beside you. I would never let you go alone. I understand you, because I am you. 19 times your brain tested my ability to care. 19 times you broke a heart I never thought existed. Each time, you made me so weak, in four years I have lost 15kg. On are 'Are You Ok' day you rang and said goodbye. I fell to the floor so weak. You broke my heart again; And you were states away. No one knew until I collapsed at work that I was dealing with anything like this, my soul was feeling all of what you were doing to yourself. You were not just killing yourself, you came to see, each time, you were killing me, not intentionally, just a bond we both did not know existed. I survived with your existence proving you are not a murderer. Your alive, as I am. You saw me as I you. A soul mate, in what we both believed to be, a soulless world. I never believed I was intelligent at all, but with you I became the person I am today. In so many ways I had lost my brother, but most importantly, I got to spend the most amazing moments with you, I was finally living. I still smile, memories we finally were free to make as you and I could appreciate being true to ourselves. I finally got my annoying brother back. I remembered when you first tried to get inside the walls of my mind. I looked through you, your superpowers did not work on me and it terrified you, because, I was more of a psychopath, then you could ever be. There were some rough moments but I look at all, we have both been through so much and even though we were so much alike, our levels of strengths and weaknesses were not, but together we became a force we had never had growing up, together we provided a code, no one could penetrate. No monsters would dare come near us. Processing you was overwhelming, and suffocating at times, but it was my disregard, through my lack of patience and understanding. Making mistakes was my only way to learn. I was never perfect, and it at times it was hard to admit, but later made sense through reason. Before Bella and I met you, we did not understand 'Mental Health' at all. We simply tolerated you and your strange processes. You were a lot at times and too much, beyond that you were someone I had to remember was once my brother. I wasn't strong enough and I did not feel I was equipped for this, but instead of ever giving up on you, I sought help to better understand you and who you are, so as you can always be yourself around me without judgement. You can be the most overstimulated human I know, but in knowing you, you opened my mind to levels I had hidden and you set me free. I was finally Me. Theres only truths, no lies. There were days at the start, where I wish I had left you in the mental ward, without a thought. There were days I know I failed you because you were so exhausting, so I rudely shot you down, but it made me remember, they have all disregarded you, us as children, our whole life. Those days I cried alone, hurting because I hurt you and I was too weak. When you hurt me, I learned to see past it, I had to understand, you never meant to hurt me at all. In my mind, and with help I was seeking, I honestly did not think that I could save you but rather be grateful to tell you I love you every day till you couldn’t take your minds illness any longer. You taught me not to live in our pasts, and that is why we are both present. When you went to Darwin, I knew you were going to make try make the pain stop, because before you left you turned the photo of me and you around, because you could not look at me. I never asked you because you can not lie to me. I aloud you to leave in silence hoping you stop you’re your demons from within you. I let you go knowing I loved you. I cried every day waiting for a phone call telling me that you had ended you pain but instead you validated my deep bond with you. I rescued you from another Mental Hospital as you begged for me to bring you home. Hearing those words and say “you never had a place where you truly you felt you belonged. Just words so many take for granted. When I got you home you hugged me so tight and said thank you. Words a psychopath would not say. You are the strongest person I know. You are the best new addition to this small family of my daughter and I. Today, I try stay strong, the words you finally speak “I’m so scared Sis, I just want to Live.” You remind me, that even though we tell ourselves we are heartless, we are not, this is what love feels like. I feel like I should be so angry with life again, but I'm not angry. Could we truly have expected a happy ending? 29-05-24 On the phone to each other till about 2am. It was your Birthday 28-05, so we did what all great loving bros and ho’s do, we got high together. After we got off the phone, I wrote this piece. It frighted me, but you said it was the best piece I had ever wrote. I had a poetry reading, I was in QLD, you in VIC. You wanted me to still read for my first open mic night. I would have used any excuse not to but as you laid in hospital, I read your favorite piece. My name was called; I was terrified. It was not a poem you would think would ever come out of a tiny little 40kg blonde thing, and the nature of the poem was not so pretty or fluffy. Perhaps it was the strength and love, we both learned from each other, that spoke volumes for me that night as my quiet voice took the room by surprise. My Brother. My Critic In his eyes my writing lacked substance My articulation embarrassment to his ears So, I strived harder, dug deeper At times his words insulting, not encouraging But that was Mental Health Once again to be the best version of myself for him, I learned how to understand him As I did, I began to see him I learned all I could for Love Not knowing love was constant hurt Today after four years I survived his demon He lays in a hospital bed All we had fought for together All the light we had both longed for, consumed by darkness, yet again I dedicate this reading to you, my brother and thank you I thank you for giving me strength to be here When you need it the most Your Favorite piece, I wrote the morning after your birthday We were states apart, but perfectly high together. Poetry Theres that brief moment within myself, where I feel In that microsecond, one million emotions inflict pain upon me. A tear falls from my left eye, a microsecond of self-doubt, A tear evaporated, and once again, my darkness. Fuck Emotion! You are dead to me I can hear all the men I have caged, squealing I flick my switch I hear nothing You create the monster, you cheat, you lie If you cannot control what you have created You are nothing I will tear you limb from limb I will repeatedly rip your heart from your chest I will sodomise you in the street, before and upon the eyes of all men That they see you as who you truly are The man that angered the balance between them, and I You will be, but not Adam You will be the spirit of stupidity, the stench men wear On behalf of your filth To be forever loathed Thank You I stare blankly into the crowd. A tear falls from left eye; I feel a hand gently upon my shoulder. My Brother, My Soul Mate To my Brother, If I had a heart, you would keep it beating. If I had a soul that bour light, You would be the peak of where the light hits, like several edges reflecting stars in the eyes of those deserving When I am cold, I know you would set fire to all that is surrounding me, just to keep me warm To know not truth, but only lies Your Demons made you yet believe I Will stand with you I Know now what I never believed in I know Love