Christopher Coultas

In the closet There are voices, Voices, Voices of all tones, They are talking, You hear them say, “Was it my fault?” All in unison, What was their fault? Nothing. It wasn’t them. “Was I too short?” The dress and the skirt say together “Did I show too much?” Said the blouse “No, it happened to me too.” The long-sleeve shirt and pants say “And me,” the burka relayed, “Me too.” Said the suit. And from the neighbor boy’s closet “It happened to me too.” The girl's closet erupted at it “No, it didn’t” “You just wanna be different” “What? It did happen” “Why would I lie?” The voice said timidly “I don’t know, but it doesn’t happen to a guy” The girl's closet said Well, this just isn’t true As you may know And the boy’s clothes say this too “Yes, it does, I’m an example” The girls sounded in disbelief, “Okay, fine, I accept you” But it doesn’t happen to everyone you see And I think we see this and say This shouldn’t have happened But it doesn’t matter, skinny or fat The sick get sicker The rich get richer And the issue Is ignored, so grab a tissue

I feel it, Clawing, burrowing under my skin— A parasite of memory and pain. The times I so want to give in. But I put on a grin, And act like I’m fine But it feels like a crawling thing— This bug of hurt and doubt And you somehow let it in. And not always my arm Sometimes my brain itches. Feels physically stitched. Or my ear or chest. I feel them crawling everywhere, But I didn’t let them in. Your words, Something you did, Someone you turned to. You did. Your voice, once calming, Now bites when I hear. Your looks, now perverted. I can't remember how you were, But it digs in When I try. All I see is what you did. I cannot look past The ruins of what I hoped for— Jagged dreams torn through by your words Now, even memories are infested, And every future aches with what you did.

Who am I? But who am I really? Do I really know? Does anyone? I know who I was. I was a young boy So full of wonder. I was once so talkative, Now so reserved. I was once in love with myself, Now can’t stand in the mirror. I was once “Momma's little boy,” Now I can’t look at her. I hate who I am, But I don't miss who I was. Well, that’s not true. I miss my innocence, My lovable laugh, My lack of self-criticism, My ignorant bliss. I don’t miss my sister, That much is true. But I miss who she was, So I don’t know, too. I don’t miss my stupidity, Or my easiness to trust. It could have gone easier, If I didn’t know who he was. I don’t see him now And I’m glad for it, you see. I wish it didn’t happen, But that’s just me. I like who I am. Just a little bit. But I hate so much more Than I could ever believe. Do I know who I am? Not really. But I hope I’m okay

Hello, little goose. I see you. I see the wonderful things you will do I see all your carelessness And your cautions I think of all the things you said I think of what was never meant I know you love them But they don’t love you. Hello, mamá goose. I see you. I see all the things you do Even if you never think it’s enough I see all the weightlessness you feel When you do the things you love I think of what you told him Even though you never meant it I think of the lies That he grew up believing. I know you don’t love him But little ol’ him loves you Hello, papa goose. I see you. I see all the things you do All the times you want to cry And the times you tried to die It’s okay to be who you are There’s someone who loves you. I think of you Quite often really I think of all the things We used to do I know you don’t love him But he still loves you, really. Hello, sister goose. I see you. I see all the things you have gone through I see all the times you regret And all the times your voice echoed hidden intent I think of you, Quite fondly now I think I know How you were running through I know you didn’t love him then But maybe you can love him again Hello, brother goose. I see you I see you now As the lightest light In the family's darkest night I see all you’ve done And I love what I see I think of you Like a hidden truth, Like one that never was seen through I think of all your playfulness And your loving too I know you're too young To know of love But I hope to see you later And for our love to ignite blue Hello, goose family. I see you. I see all the happy times And the bad ones too I see what cares you have now, Now that little goose has gone away I think of you together Not one-by-one But even together I think of it as glum I know you never meant any harm But your carelessness left many a scar I know you think, Quite fondly now, Of lil’ ol’ goosy And his proper beam But I know you don’t love me Though little goose loves you