Avni Gupta
Poet · Meerut, Uttar Pradesh · India
Became a writer when my "Silence" started "Screaming"
A writing journey
A Journey from Silent Soul to Screaming Voice
For nineteen years, I lived in a cage of my own world, a silent observer of a life. They tell you that silence is golden, but they never tell you how much it weighs, or how it can become a crushing, deafening force when left to accumulate within the walls of a heart. My journey into writing wasn't a choice... it was a desperate, primal necessity i.e a blueprint of survival for a girl who had spent years enduring pain and suffering in the silence of her own home.
As a B.Tech student, I was conditioned by the rigid world of engineering, equations, and logic. I was taught that every problem has a definitive, calculable solution. Yet, no textbook ever taught me the physics of a breaking heart. They never explained how to calculate the volume of silence, nor did they focus on the volatile chemistry of life and emotions. I was drowning in a sea of secrets, carrying the massive weight of things I didn't say but never failed to notice. I believed that if I stayed silent enough, the pain would eventually become a dormant part of my life...something I could coexist with, but never have to look at.
But silence has a breaking point.
The transition from a "Silent Soul" to a "Screaming Voice" did not happen overnight. It happened in the quiet, agonizing moments of my nineteenth year, in the sudden, jarring realization that I was enough, that I was capable of holding myself together, and that I was capable of overcoming this pain.
I didn't write to be heard... I wrote to exist.
My write-ups are not "written" in the traditional sense, they have been bled. They are the raw, fractured results of late nights spent suspended between lines of code and the heavy memories I once tried to bury. I turned to the pen because ink was the only medium strong enough to hold the secrets I had been carrying deep inside my chest.
For years, I made a deal with my own pain... I would carry it quietly if it promised not to kill me.
But you cannot engineer a soul to be silent forever.
The weight of that silence finally became too much to bear, and I decided to stop fighting my emotions and start embracing them. I chose to consider pain not as something to merely bear, but as a gift to be inherited...a map of the battles I had fought and the scars I had earned.
Writing this book was never part of the plan. It was never intended to be a part of me, but rather an organization of my chaos...a testament to the chemistry of me with loneliness.
If there is one absolute certainty about my work, it is that it serves as a mirror for the unseen. My pieces are for anyone who has ever felt like they were drowning in their own emotions. I don't just want to tell stories, I want to sit beside my readers in the dark and prove to them, through my own journey of survival, that they are never truly alone.
Today, When I stopped drowning in the pain that was once my cage. It has become my wings. I have finally stopped begging for it to leave, and instead, I thank it for staying...because it was that very pain that turned my tears into ink. Without it, pages of my diary would be as empty as I once was.
Published writing
Talking to my Younger Self
I’m writing this from the desk of 'now',
I see you struggling in the phase of 'how'.
Thinking of you...
still sitting at that same desk of 'not yet',
while I’ve found the way and my goals are all set.
The lines of code,
and the architecture of our dreams,
still compete for space,
in a mind that never really sleeps.
The corner of broken desires,
and the lines you’ve firmly drawn,
compete for space in your mind,
just as they do in my own.
I know you always worry about,
the weight of it all,
I know the burdens you carry,
and the problems unresolved.
I know how you look at,
the steady, tall hills,
hills you weren't meant to climb,
but in innocence, you did.
You are sitting and yearning,
in the middle of a storm,
drowning in a tsunami of 'what-ifs',
and a place with no warmth.
I'm trying to learn the language,
of machines, while your soul,
is searching for the music,
hidden in the hum of the whole.
Between your passion and expectations,
I know you feel confused,
But I never traded my ink,
for the comfort of being used.
You never have to choose one,
as long as you have faith,
trust your guts, your vision,
and the strength within your wraith.
So, breathe and relax, in the silence
of that room with that turning page,
The struggle is merely going to,
be your soul’s gilded stage.
The 'how' will soon dissolve
as the 'now' takes its hold,
And the story you're writing,
will be worth being told.
Not by the heights that,
you conquered in vain,
But by the light that,
you found in the midst of the rain.
Distanced by Destiny
Beneath their souls that silently weep,
Two hearts beat, a secret they keep.
Bounded by feelings, yet torn apart,
Having sympathy on their fragile heart.
Bounded by love, yet distanced by fate,
Dreaming of worlds, they cannot create.
He healed the wounds that time couldn't mend,
A saviour entered, disguised as a loyal friend.
He became the light in her darkest nights,
A kind personality, so warm and bright.
In his warmth, her shadow dissolved,
In her embrace, his pain absolved.
Yet the world whispers rules and chains,
even if they have love flowing in their veins.
Love is silenced for families' trust,
A choice, made so beautiful, yet unjust.
Responsibilities took over the unspoken love,
A heartbreaking sacrifice, yet so unheard.
The faith and rules pulled them away,
Paths diverged, though hearts want to stay.
But in every step, his care will glow,
And in every breath, the heart will know.
Though apart, bond doesn’t fade,
It finds a way, while the shadows await.
The Beginning of a Love Story
I used to spend my days, staring at the floor,
Thinking life was a task, and nothing more.
With heavy books, and a tired mind,
I just wanted to leave, everything behind.
I was a student of Engineering, and of pain,
Walking a lonely, and an unnoticed lane.
I thought I was enough, for standing alone,
With a heart that felt, as heavy as stone.
Then came the moment, a simple “Hi”,
It felt as a light, and just caught my eye.
I wasn't looking for magic, or for grace,
But then I saw the warmth, in your face.
It all started with a message, and a smile,
You became a reason, for me to feel alive.
I never thought, in that first unexpected week,
That you were the answer, I always used to seek.
Now, days became lively, and nights felt relaxed,
With you, I never needed, to hold my feelings back.
How can someone hold, a lifetime of care?
Nothing left heavy, you brought fresh air.
I used to be worried, about grades and the test,
But now, in your shadow, I finally find rest.
The stress of the classroom, the fear of the dark,
All seemed to fade, from a single small spark.
I used to count hours, and wait for the end,
Now, I count moments, that I get to spend.
You are the poetry, I never knew how to write,
The man whom I reach for, in the middle of the night.
My story was boring, a list of "to-do's,"
Until you came, and broke some rules.
It isn't a fairy tale, with crowns made of gold,
It’s a hand that is warm, when life felt cold.
The way that you listen, the way that you stay,
When the rest of my world, feels like drifting away.
So, this is my truth, and it’s simple and deep,
I got such feeling, that I’m happy to keep.
The most "Real Story", that I’ve ever tell,
Is how I was lonely... until in Love, I fell.
Depression... "That" Phase of Life
The world feels so cold,
Even the brightest colours seem so dull.
Sometimes, it feels like,
I am entirely alone in the world.
Though the crowd is loud,
The spirit still runs.
The heart feels helpless,
Even in the crowd of tonnes.
With a quiet room, and heart,
as heavy as stone.
Sometimes, it feels like,
I am meant to be alone.
Sorrow now feels like,
a never- ending road.
It feels like every single,
Pleasure is gone.
A lonely heart,
a heavy price has been paid.
Hoping it's just a phase,
hoping it will fade.
I wander aimlessly,
loneliness is now where I roam.
To me, these days, literally,
Nothing feels like home.
Facing Ups and Downs,
From dusk till dawn.
It feels like I'm in a game,
existing as a pawn.
One wrong step and,
a sudden fall.
Sometimes, I feel to just,
lose it all.
The past is now locked,
With serious present stakes.
I can't escape from destiny,
can't undo mistakes.
A heavy soul, the heart,
turned into a hollow shell.
Sometimes, It feels that life,
would be better off in hell.
The pain is sharp,
Life already feels like a private hell.
Some feelings seem Unforgettable,
and Unbearable as well.
I really need to find the strength,
For my own sake.
I have to move on, no matter,
Whatever it takes.
Mental Health
The mirrors reflect a face I once used to know,
A silent garden where the shadows grow.
I wear a smile built perfectly of glass,
And pray the heavy thunderstorms will pass.
They tell me I am young and full of light,
They do not see the monsters in the night.
The anxious hum that rattles in my chest,
A weary heart that cannot find its rest.
A world of logic, numbers, and of lines,
But no one sees the silent, breaking signs.
I calculate the cost of holding on,
And wait in terror for the coming dawn.
The mind becomes a residence of fear,
A crowded room where no one draws too near.
I am a puzzle missing half its parts,
A quiet reflection of breaking hearts.
A glitch, an error in the perfect code,
A traveller upon a broken road.
The tears are swallowed before they can fall,
With my back pressed hard against the wall.
I fight a war that no one else can see,
Against a ghost that looks exactly like me.
The battleground is hidden in my brain,
A continuos cycle of the same old pain.
I am not just the darkness I conceal,
I am the quiet strength it takes to heal.
Though shattered by the storms I cannot see,
I am still fighting for the soul in me.
Healing
The night was long, the shadows deep and wide,
A place where all my heavy tears could hide.
I wrapped my sorrow like a heavy shawl,
And built a fortress out of every wall.
I thought the aching was the only way,
To make it through the ending of the day.
I held the fragile pieces of my soul,
And wondered if I’d ever feel quite whole.
But then a gentle breeze began to blow,
A quiet whisper starting soft and low.
It told me that the winter has to end,
And even shattered hearts begin to mend.
I took a breath and let the sunlight in,
And felt the warmth upon my weary skin.
The tears I cried became the gentle rain,
That washed away the remnants of the pain.
I do not hide the scars I gathered here,
For they are proof I conquered every fear.
The breaking was the way the light got through,
And, painted my entire world anew.
I slowly learn to smile without the guilt,
Within, this beautiful new home I built.
The heavy storm has finally passed by,
And left a stunning rainbow in the sky.
So, if you feel you cannot walk the miles,
Just know that healing lives in little smiles.
Secrets... I never wanted to keep
I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream,
Secrets… I never wanted to keep.
I wanted the pain to just fade away,
But it only grew darker with every passing day.
I locked them deep behind a heavy door,
Where shadows danced across a dusty floor.
I thought that time would wash the slate all clean,
But left behind were scars that stayed unseen.
I wore a mask to hide the trembling chin,
A hollow shell to hold the ghosts within.
The world moved on, a river fast and wide,
While I was trapped upon the lonely side.
The words would rise like bile inside my throat,
A sinking ship that struggled just to float.
I searched for eyes that understood the grief,
But found no hands to offer me relief.
I painted smiles upon a fractured face,
And sought a stillness in this hollow space.
But silence is a fire that starts to burn,
For every truth I refused to ever learn.
The walls I built are closing in so fast,
A monument to shadows of the past.
I cannot breathe beneath the weight of stone,
In crowds of thousands, still I stand alone.
I tried to write them down in lines of ink,
To push the vessel off the crumbling brink.
But letters blur and bleed into the page,
A trapped bird beating wings inside a cage.
The secrets grow like vines upon my skin,
A tangled web where darkness seeps within.
They whisper tales of all I couldn’t say,
And steal the colour from the light of day.
If I should open up the floodgate now,
To break the heavy, silent, solemn vow,
Would I be free, or would the torrent crash,
And turn my careful world to grey and ash?
Yet here I sit and watch the shadows creep,
A vigil that I’m terrified to keep.
The silence screams, a piercing, jagged sound,
Until the day the truth is finally found.
How I Turned my Pain into Art
They taught me equations of stress and of strain,
But they never taught, how to manage the pain.
The textbooks were hollow, their logic felt like a lie,
They never taught physics to a heart begging to die.
The formulas balanced, the structures were sound,
But beneath all that logic, my soul couldn't be found.
I was drowning in silence, a volume so deep,
A terrifying reality, I struggled to keep.
I begged for a chemist to fix what was broken,
To hear all the words that I left unspoken.
But the people I turned to, were just shadows and mist,
They couldn't see wounds that don’t physically exist.
Then, when the darkness was suffocating, thick,
Art pulled me under, a beautiful trick.
I stopped seeking saviours in the eyes of the crowd,
And started to scream, though I wasn't allowed.
I took every memory, every scar, every night,
And bled them to ink, turning darkness to light.
I’ve dismantled the cage of the girl they defined,
Leaving all of the "perfect" requirements behind.
I am the chemistry of chaos and grace,
I am the tear that carves paths on my face.
I don't need a saviour to pull me from tide,
I am the ocean that’s rising inside.
The ink is my pulse, and the page is my breath,
I’ve stared down the silence and cheated on death.
The art isn't pretty, it’s jagged and raw,
But I’ve stitched back my spirit, I’ve mended the flaw.
I’ve become the anchor, the fire, the whole,
I am the only one worthy to master my soul.
India~ Freedom's Call
Feel the wind, while it whispers names,
Of heroes who died without any fame.
They struggled, went through tears and pain,
Unheard sacrifices done in the sun and rain.
In every situation, their hopes held tight,
Through darkest days, for morning's light.
Beneath the sky, old wounds remain,
Yet courage arises from every pain.
On this day of freedom's call,
We rise as one, proud and tall.
Let's not forget, nor shame their trust,
For they believed that freedom is a must.
Let every tear honour, our gratefulness,
Let's vow together, while in peace, they rest.
Their legacy woven in fields of green,
Where silent ghosts of the past are seen.
Though names may fade like a winter breath,
They conquered fear in the face of death.
We walk the paths that they paved with care,
With burdens lifted by the morning air.
But keep the memory, hold it near,
Lest we forget what they held so dear.
The torch is passed to a younger hand,
To guard the peace of this hallowed land.
For freedom's spirit, a constant flame,
Burns bright and fierce, in every name.
Yet vigilance lives in the quiet heart,
To mend the world where it fell apart.
They gave their all for a future bright,
Guided by truth through the dead of night.
So, stand we firm as the ages roll,
With steady resolve and a unified soul.
Their sacrifice etched in the soil we tread,
A living song for the noble dead.
And when the stars begin to gleam,
We honour the truth of their fading dream.
With every breath, may our hearts decree,
That we remain worthy, brave, and free.
When Luxury Fails to Mend Emotions
The silver spoon must feel heavy in your hand,
A golden cage where shadows softly creep,
Yet now you own the map of this dark land,
And wake the strength that was hidden in sleep.
They painted velvet rooms to hide the grey,
And whispered you as burdens to their name,
But you can build a bright and honest day,
That flickers far beyond their hollow shame.
They told you that your life was just a debt,
A tragedy you brought upon the floor,
But you have learned to break the heavy net,
And stand as guardian at your own soul's door.
You wished a friend beneath a desert sun,
But found selfishness slipping through your wrist,
Now seek the paths where true connections run,
And leave behind the cold and silent mist.
To be the scapegoat in your own home place,
While draped in silk and jewels of heavy cost,
You finally see the beauty in your face,
And find the child you thought that you had lost.
No shoulder leaned to catch your heavy grief,
No whisper promised, you were worth the air,
But you are now the keeper of relief,
With grace enough to soothe your own despair.
Though family hands have woven sharpest thorns,
You stand above the wreckage of the past,
The crown of healing now your brow adorns,
The inner light is breaking free at last.
The world is cold, but you have found the fire,
A warmth that rises from the depths you know,
You climb above the ruins to reach higher,
And plant the seeds that only love can grow.