Carla Peter

CARLA PETER The Black Sheep I cover the pendant around my neck It feels like chains choking me Everyone glares at me like I am not supposed to be here, like I am a fraud A fraud that threatens them, as if I’m plotting their murder I don’t belong I am the black sheep My Mother always told me,“We are all equal,no matter what.“ But mom this doesn’t feel equal I will never forget the day I ran to her,telling her about the first time I couldn’t breathe My heart was shattered into pieces My first sleepless night My first tear to drop from something I am proud of I could have made an ocean of them I was just a seven-year-old girl, grieving their death “They deserve it, if the church didn’t burn down with them in, I would have done it.” “It’s okay, he doesn’t mean it,” I whispered while crying myself to sleep I spent hours and days trying to get myself to go to school That’s something I wish I never did “Why don’t you fast with us?” “Are you an atheist?” “You’re going to hell, dear. “ But Mom I don’t want to go to hell And I start asking those questions: Is our religion even real? Who told you we are on the right track? Why am I the only one like this? I questioned my own beliefs My Mother always told me,“We are all equal,no matter what.“ It wasn’t true. It wasn't right My Mother always told me,“You're unique, so what? It’s beautiful!” But mom I don’t want to be unique I don’t want to be different! I just want to fit in How could I think like this? They were taking my religion away Like a hunter snatching a bird from its mother They took my hope They took the good in me They took away my ladder out of the fire And I had nothing to do, so I kept quiet But I knew that day that I would never be the same “He didn’t want me to go to the religion room, Mom,” I remember, as he grabbed my hand and shut the door. Even standing up for myself I couldn’t do Am I even true? How can I defend something I am not even sure of anymore? I lost my confidence I lost my faith My mother held me tightly, not knowing what to do, Hoping if she closed her eyes for a few seconds All of this would go away. Like she would go to another universe. But she opened them, realizing I was still in her hands. “I hate them mom I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.” “No dear, your heart is not capable of hate. That's not you And just remember,” she said “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Luke 6:27-28. How can I love someone who hurts me,Mom? You’re not speaking logic My Mother always told me,“We are all equal,no matter what.“ “Yes Mom, but I’m the only one who got shuffled to another class.” “It’s okay, maybe they don’t mean it how you see it.Just get through the day and let’s discuss this later.” She told me before hanging up. But how don’t they mean it when it’s so obvious I moved to be with “my people.“ I never knew my Religion would affect my life It made me want to crawl out of it It made me want to take off the mask;as if that were even possible But Religious discrimination is not like ideological discrimination. One you choose for yourself, the other God chose for you. I used to accept that I used to love that But I am not sure anymore What hurt me more is when my class asked my teacher about it The one who taught me everything I know about standing up to prejudice She said “it’s better for her. She belongs there.” My Mother always told me,“Know people for their character, not for anything about them.” How can I do that when the first question I’m asked is my religion, Mother? When the teacher starts to give sermons when it's not the time When he makes everything about religious beliefs When he says right in front of me that I follow something "unreal" I can’t love him Mom I am sorry I know that’s not what you taught me But you also told me I will always be equal “If you can't love, at least forgive. If not for them, for yourself.” “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14) But I am sick I can’t take it anymore I think about running away to the farthest island But this isn’t what I am raised for, right mom? It hurts But all I needed was to understand To understand myself To leave all their noise behind To believe in me God is within her; she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.( Psalms 46:5) My Mother always told me,“We are all equal,no matter what.“ I remember as I pull my necklace out of my t-shirt and hang it in-front of me In front of the world In front of everybody Not giving a damn about what they think Being proud of who I am who I will be forever I’m not born to blend in I’m born to stand out Always.